White bluebell.
20 Sentences People with Depression Hate
Hearing the Most
Robert Locke
Why are people so unsympathetic when their friends or
loved ones suffer from depression?
The main reason is that depression is very difficult to
fully understand.
Another reason is that there is a stigma attached to
being depressed.
Even though we live in a society which seems to revolve
around physical well-being
and being upbeat, we don’t want to be reminded of the
other side.
We want to forget depression exists.
A person with cancer is likely to get a lot more support
than a person suffering from depression.
It’s even worse when friends and relatives give some
advice which does not help at all.
The sad fact is that these opinions reflect an appalling
ignorance about this mental illness.
No, depression was not invented for Big Pharma, like some
sort of conspiracy.
This illness affects 350 million people worldwide. It
causes enormous suffering
and is a contributory factor in death by suicide. The
alarming fact is that less than 50%
of patients will
seek treatment, mainly because of ignorance and apathy.
Here are 20 pieces of advice which are pretty useless
when you are trying to help a loved one suffering from depression. Do not use
these phrases if you’re trying to be sympathetic.
They may have the opposite effect than desired.
1. You should snap out of it
If you suffer from depression, I bet you envy how simple snapping out of it would be!
This is not just a temporary blip on your
sadness/happiness scale. It is debilitating,
to the point where you cannot even get out of bed in the
morning.
You find it difficult to summon up enough energy.
Motivation is beyond your capabilities.
If you note these symptoms in a friend, make sure that
she or he gets diagnosed and treated. Especially if these feelings last more
than two weeks. Symptoms will vary enormously.
You may notice hopelessness,
appetite and sleep problems.
The important thing is to get a diagnosis.
2. Other
people are far worse off, you know
This is not going to help a person solve their problems!
The depressed person just needs a person to be there and
give support.
You do not have to say anything if that embarrasses you.
However, you can also tell the person
that they can get better and that you will be there to
support them.
3. Life is
tough
This will probably reinforce how bad the depressed person
is feeling, rather than help them.
You could help them more by saying that you feel empathy
for them and are willing to help them
get through it. Treatment may take the form of medication
and/or psychotherapy.
4. You have
to get on with it
This sends the wrong message. It reinforces the sense of
isolation that a depressed person feels.
The best way to help them is by sending texts or just
phoning them to let them know
there is someone who cares. Susan Serani’s book, Living with Depression
provides excellent examples of practical ways to help.
5. You are
too introspective
The implication here is that depression really is a minor
problem.
You’ll come across as being judgemental and critical. The
best way to show affection and love
is to avoid statements like these which isolate the
individual even more.
6. You are
far too sensitive
This belittles the depressed person because they will
think that their illness is being regarded
as a character flaw and nothing else. A much better
approach would be to take the person
out for a walk. You can try and encourage them to get out
and do something every day.
7. Life goes
on
“Living with depression is like living with a 40 ton
weight on your chest — you want to get up and move, but you just feel like you
can’t.” – from an anonymous individual suffering from depression.
Telling a depressed patient that life goes on anyway will
appear like brushing the whole thing
under the carpet. It will appear that you are not really
concerned at all.
8. Just go
out and enjoy yourself
Suggesting fun times does not help at all, unless you are
prepared to accompany
your depressed friend and encourage them to try to take
baby steps every day.
Lending support means being there, or at least phoning to
remind them t
hat they have to do “X” today and “Y” tomorrow.
9. Aches and
pains are just normal
A strange thing about depression is how often the
condition is diagnosed
by patients experiencing physical aches and pains, rather
than mood and motivation problems. Encourage them to get a diagnosis and offer
your help.
10. You have
got so many things to be grateful for
The depressed patient does not want to hear about
gratitude. Their main worry is
that the sheer exhaustion and loss of interest will
become permanent. It is always a good idea to remind the suffering individual
that treatment can be effective. Depression need not last forever.
11. Cheer up
My uncle used to tell my depressed aunt to, “Cheer up”.
The effect was just the opposite. It actually made her
cry even more.
His total misunderstanding of her condition was not
helpful at all.
12. You’re
strong, you will be fine
Yes, some people are strong and may have even coped with
despondency or despair.
If you are depressed, you may feel that your life
means nothing to anyone else out
there.
Again, just listening can be reassuring for the person
with depression.
13. You
should stop feeling sorry for yourself
This suggests that the depressed person has a rather weak
personality and is flawed in some way.
A much more helpful response would be to actually sitting
down
and listening to the depressed person’s problems and
feelings.
14. You
should take vitamins for your stress
An offer of an over-the-counter cure will not help at
all, as you are not really qualified.
It is much better to urge the sufferer to get treatment
and to offer to accompany them,
or help them seek a specialist.
15. You
should phone me
If you are a real friend, you should be the person who reaches out to the sufferer
and show him or her that you really do care.
16. You
should buy nicer clothes
Your friend’s wardrobe may look a mess, but this will not
cure their depression.
Going on a shopping trip together would be a much better
idea.
17. You know
that everyone has problems
When you say this, the implication is that the depressed
person has actually made a choice
to be miserable and unhappy. Comparisons with the vast
majority of the population
are not at all helpful. It would be much better to say
that you are trying to understand
their problems. Encourage them to seek help and advice
online.
18. You
should try harder
Harsh and critical comments like this will not help one
little bit. The attitude of family members
and close friends are often crucial in whether a person
will recover from depression.
19. You
should be better by now
Impatience is a sign to the depressed person that nobody
really understands what they are going through. A more compassionate approach
without deadlines would be much more helpful.
20. You will
have to learn to live with it
Learning to live with depression with no way out is like
entering a dark tunnel.
Pep talks, platitudes and the so-called encouraging
remarks only make matters worse.
It is much better to follow the steps I have outlined
below if you really want to help.
What we can
do to help depressed persons
Most experts
agree that just being there and being supportive can be very helpful.
We can learn about depression, its causes and
symptoms
We can
encourage the depressed person to get diagnosed and treatment.
We can help
them with day-to-day tasks and objectives.
We can also
stop by and remind them of a task later that day.
Or we can
simply give them a call, and have a short chat while we’re at it.
We can
encourage them to join online
forums which cater
to depressed persons.
This is a
great place to get support although it will never be as effective as a real
live presence.
We should
never give the impression that it is the patient’s fault or criticize them in
any way.
We should
encourage and supervise their daily routines such as regular eating, exercise
and sleep.
We should be
able to talk to them about suicide, should they mention it.
The
important thing is to go over the thoughts but suggest a different solution.
Let us know in the comments below how you have helped a
depressed person
on how to cope with their illness.
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/20-sentences-people-with-depression-hate-hearing-the-most.html
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EXCELLENT article! Great suggestions, too.
ReplyDeleteYes, I think they are 20 great points to carry across our conversations with others and with ourselves. Thanks for taking the time and supporting others.
ReplyDelete