The rain brought out the beauty of the stone.
Effective Communication and
Ethical Influence
markandreas in: NLP Trainings
We’re pleased to include this guest
post written by our son, Mark Andreas.
It first appeared on Mark’s Blog “Tools & Tales of Change.”
-Steve
Over the years, many people
have asked me,
“What was it like growing up with your
parents using NLP on you all the time?”
To which I like to respond, smiling,
“How would you feel if your parents
NLpeed on you your entire childhood?”
Then I point out that there is a big
difference between using NLP on someone
and using NLP with someone.
Just think about the presuppositions
(assumptions) of each statement:
“I use NLP on someone” presupposes
that I am the actor using NLP on a passive person
who is the object of my activity.
Whether used for good or bad, it is manipulative.
There is separateness and disconnection
from the other person,
with no attention given to how the
other person might experience the interaction.
The assumption is either that they are
powerless to help themselves,
that I know what they want better than
they do,
or that I’m going to manipulate them
into doing something that goes against what they want,
or some combination of these. From
a metaphorical standpoint,
I have to be above someone to use
something on them. So I’ll be looking down on them,
and they will likely feel the
burden/impact of the tool I’m pushing on them from on high.
The image that comes to my mind is a
stone-worker chiseling away at a figurine
until it looks the way he wants it.
“I use NLP with someone” presupposes
that we are both benefitting from NLP together.
It can only be used for good; it is
cooperative. There is togetherness and connection with the other person, with
equal attention given to how I and the other person each experience the
interaction.
The assumption is that both of us have the ability to help
ourselves, that I’m using my tools
to support us both discovering what we
each want, and in service of us both getting more
out of the relationship than either of
us would have discovered alone.
From a metaphorical standpoint, I have
to be on the same level as someone
to use something with them.
It will be much more likely that we see eye to eye,
and there is room for the give and take
of feedback. The image that comes to my mind
is of a dance between two people, or
two people walking side-by-side.
So after my humorous response to people
about being NLpeed on as a kid,
I tell them that my experience growing
up was that my parents used NLP with me and my brothers. They
used NLP communication tools to support us in gaining clarity and connection
with what we wanted, and to support
them in communicating clearly with us about their needs
and boundaries. The goal was always
about finding solutions that worked well for everyone
in the family.
As young kids my parents often asked
us, “Mark, Loren, Darian, would you like to go to bed now,
or in five minutes?” Of course we
responded with “five minutes, five minutes!”
But our parents weren’t using this
clever presuppositional form to manipulate us into going to bed against our
will. On the contrary, they were using NLP with us.
They were acknowledging and honoring
our ability to act and choose to a degree
that was appropriate to our age. They
were also front-loading the idea that it was almost time
to sleep, so we could start preparing
ourselves internally for that stage of the day—
an essential need of every human being,
both parents and kids.
Could we have said “no” to the five
minutes question? Of course.
But why say no to something that is
done with us, and for us?
So if you find that an NLP tool isn’t
working, one thing to check is,
“Have I been trying to use NLP on someone?
Or am I using these tools with someone?”
Using with:
1. First, change your language. Instead
of “I want to use NLP on them,” or “I’m going to talk to them,”
or “I was really laughing at them,” see what happens when you
change to using with:
“I want to use NLP with them,”
“I’m going to talk with them,” “I could try out laughing with them,”
etc.
2. Notice how your own internal
experience changes when you change to using with.
For me with is an
experience of being on the same level as the other person, with eye contact,
give and take, stepping into the
others’ shoes, working together side-by-side,
going in the same direction, and
cooperation.
3. The next time you want to be
more with someone, make the specific internal changes
you noticed above. So for me, I picture
me and the other person both at the same level
and making eye contact, (even if we’re
different actual heights, or about to have a conversation
over the phone where I can’t actually
see the other person).
I picture us both together, with space
between us for give and take, like a flow of energy
that for me represents feedback flowing
back and forth between us.
I’m also aware that I can step into the
other person’s perspective at any time,
seeing from their point of view. Just
as you make these internal changes,
you can also make specific external
changes that match the with.
If I’m talking to a child, I like to
crouch down so I’m literally at eye level with them.
If I’m sitting with someone, I like to
position my chair by their side,
so I can literally be on their side
(rather than in a face off).
While making these internal and
external changes, my main focus is
to notice what commonalities we both
have, so that we can work together on those going forward.
Learn more about using NLP with
yourself
http://realpeoplepress.com/blog/effective-communication-and-ethical-influence
Comments:
Alan A
Wise words. When I first encountered NLP a good friend
told me I’d find it useful and interesting,
and I should refrain from using it ‘on
people’.
I asked him who I should use it on then – he said myself.
He was right :-)
I wish I’d known the ‘bed now or in 5 minutes’ when my
kids were that age :-)
I did have something similar for those ‘tantrum’ moments.
It went something like
“I know right now you are upset/angry and need to
yell/cry/scream,
and I’d like to help but I can’t while you’re so upset,
so if you tell me how long you need to stay upset for
(point to watch),
I’ll come back when you’re done and we can talk”.
The first time I used it the tantrum stopped with a big
intake of breath in about 2 seconds.
After that it took longer, but after a few times it
seemed irrelevant to use anyway.
Looking back I guess it helped them realise they had a
choice
and me to realise I could leave them to choose, so we
both benefited
Mark Andreas
Thanks for sharing, Alan.
It reminds me of a similar thing I would often do on the
wilderness trips I lead for “troubled” teens.
When kids were screaming at me
about how I was being unfair, etc.,
I would say something like: “I can see you’re really
angry/upset right now, and that’s fine.
When you’re ready to be in contact (our word for connecting
with another person,
being able to speak as well as listen) I’m happy to talk
with you about how I can best support you,
and how you can get your needs met.
Until then I’m going to help John set up his tent.
Come to me whenever you’re ready to be in contact.
And I’ll also make a point to check in with you later
tonight.”
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