Welsh poppy.
How Smart People Deal With People They Don’t
Like
David K.
William
In a perfect world, each person we interact with would be
nice, kind, considerate,
mindful, generous, and more. They would get our jokes and
we would get theirs.
We would all thrive in a convivial atmosphere where no
one was ever cross, upset, or maligned.
However, we don’t live in a perfect world. Some
people drive us crazy, and we (admittedly)
drive a few mad as well. Those we dislike are inconsiderate,
rushed, malign our character,
question our motives, or just don’t get our jokes at all
— but expect us to laugh at all theirs.
You might wonder whether it is possible to be fair to
someone who ruffles you all the time,
or someone you’d rather avoid eating lunch with.
You might wonder if you should learn to like every
person you meet.
According to Robert Sutton (a professor of management
science at Stanford University),
it’s neither
possible — nor even ideal — to build a team comprised entirely of people
you’d
invite to a backyard barbecue.
That’s why smart people make the most out of people they
don’t like. Here’s how they do it.
1. They accept
that they are not going to like everyone.
Sometimes we get caught in the trap of thinking that we
are nice people. We think that we
are going to like everyone we interact with — even when
that’s not going to happen.
It’s inevitable you will encounter difficult people who
oppose what you think. Smart people know this. They also recognize that
conflicts or disagreements are a result of differences in values.
That person you don’t like is not intrinsically a bad
human. The reason you don’t get along is
because you have different values, and that difference
creates judgment. Once you accept that
not everyone will like you, and you won’t like everyone
because of a difference in values,
the realization can take the emotion out of the
situation.
That may even result in getting along better
by agreeing to disagree.
2. They bear with
(not ignore or dismiss) those they don’t like.
Sure, you may cringe at his constant criticism, grit
your teeth at her lousy jokes, or shake your head at the way he hovers
around her all the time, but feeling less than affectionate to someone
might not be the worst thing. “From a performance
standpoint, liking the people you manage
too much is a bigger problem than liking them too
little,” says Sutton.
“You need people who have different points of view and
aren’t afraid to argue,” Sutton adds.
“They are the kind of people who stop the organization
from doing stupid things.”
It may not be
easy, but bear with them. It is often those who challenge or provoke us
that prompt us to new insights and help propel the group
to success.
Remember, you are not perfect either, yet people still
tolerate you.
3. They
treat those they don’t like with civility.
Whatever your feelings are for someone, that person will
be highly attuned to your attitude
and behavior, and will likely reflect it back to you.
If you are rude to them, they will likely throw away all
decorum and be rude to you too.
The onus; therefore, is on you to remain fair, impartial,
and composed.
“Cultivating a diplomatic poker face is important. You
need to be able to come across as professional and positive,” says Ben Dattner,
an organizational psychologist and author of The Blame Game.
This way you won’t stoop to their level or be sucked into
acting the way they do.
4. They check
their own expectations.
It’s not uncommon for people to have unrealistic
expectations about others. We may expect others
to act exactly as we would, or
say the things that we might say in a certain situation.
However, that’s not realistic. “People have ingrained
personality traits that are going to
largely determine how they react,” says Alan A. Cavaiola,
PhD (psychology professor at Monmouth University in West Long Branch, New Jersey).
“Expecting others to do as you would do
is setting yourself up for disappointment and
frustration.”
If a person causes you to feel exactly the same way every
time,
adjust your expectations appropriately. This way you’ll
be psychologically prepared
and their behavior will not catch you by surprise.
Smart people do this all the time.
They’re not always surprised by a dis-likable
person’s behavior.
5. They turn
inwards and focus on themselves.
No matter what you try, some people can still really get
under our skin. It’s important that you learn how to handle your frustration
when dealing with someone who annoys you.
Instead of thinking about how irritating that person is,
focus on why you are reacting
the way you are. Sometimes what we don’t like in others
is frequently what we don’t like
in ourselves. Besides, they didn’t create the button,
they’re only pushing it.
Pinpoint the triggers that might be complicating your
feelings. You may then be able to anticipate, soften, or even alter your reaction.
Remember: it’s easier to change your perceptions, attitude,
and behavior than to ask someone to be a different
kind of person.
6. They pause and
take a deep breath.
Some personality characteristics may always set you off,
says Kathleen Bartle
(a California-based conflict consultant). Maybe it’s
the colleague who regularly misses deadlines,
or the guy who tells off-color jokes. Take a look at what
sets you off and who’s pushing your buttons. That way, Bartle says, you can
prepare for when it happens again.
According to her, “If you can pause and get a grip on
your adrenaline pump and go to the intellectual part of your brain, you’ll be
better able to have a conversation and to skip over the judgment.”
A deep breath and one big step back can also help to calm
you down and protect you from overreaction, thereby allowing you to
proceed with a slightly more open mind and heart.
7. They
voice their own needs.
If certain people constantly tick you off, calmly let
them know that their manner of behavior
or communication style is a problem for you. Avoid
accusatory language and instead try
the “When you . . . I feel . . .” formula. For example,
Cacaiola advises you to tell that person,
“When you cut me off in meetings, I feel like you don’t
value my contributions.”
Then, take a moment and wait for their response.
You may find that the other person didn’t realize you
weren’t finished speaking, or your colleague was so excited about your idea
that she enthusiastically jumped into the conversation.
8. They allow space
between them.
If all else fails, smart people allow space between
themselves and those they don’t like.
Excuse yourself and go on your way. If at work, move to
another room or sit at the other end
of the conference table. With a bit of distance,
perspective, and empathy, you may be able to
come back and interact both with those people you like
and those you don’t like as if unfazed.
Of course, everything would be easier if we could wish
people we don’t like away.
Too bad we all know that’s not how life works.
http://www.lifehack.org/294859/how-smart-people-deal-with-people-they-dont-like
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