Sweet pea decorating a mesh fence.
Your Anger is a
Guide: Embrace It and Set Yourself Free
Anne Uemura
“Where there is anger there is always pain underneath.”
~Eckhart Tolle
In the sixth year of marriage, my husband shocked me by
telling me that he had decided on
an open marriage. This would give him permission to do
what he was already doing, having an affair.
In one of my rare times of anger I argued and struggled
with him. I can still see myself hitting him
in the chest as he tried to put his arms around me to
reassure me of his love.
As he defended his position, he reminded me that I wasn’t
being rational. I stopped protesting because that charge impacted me
immediately. Logic and rationality were my guides.
This surge of anger was new in my life. I had learned to
bury my feelings, especially anger,
growing up in my Japanese-American family where we hid
most emotions.
Adding to pushing down my feelings, I relied on
intellect, my head, and dismissed my heart.
When he attacked a vulnerable spot—to be rational—I
became silent.
It was the first of three betrayals I lived quietly
through over the years.
I swallowed two other screams of “No!” when, over the
years, I learned about two other women,
who intruded not only into my life, but also into my
home.
Why would any woman stand for this?
Besides suppressing my emotions, I also learned from a
young age to make the needs of the group, the others, more important than my
own.
Throughout my life, I let other people’s needs
define my life.
I disregarded my anger and I disregarded my needs.
Why Burying Anger is a Recipe for Unhappiness
When you bury anger, more than your anger is involved—you
dampen all emotions, including joy.
In my case, I was the model of a well-adjusted successful
professional and,
after I divorced my husband, a single mom.
Inside a deep discontent lived undetected in my heart.
It wasn’t until I slowed down in early retirement that I
became aware of it.
When you don’t have anger, you may think that there’s
nothing wrong with your life.
Why We Often Choose to Bury Our Anger
You learn in childhood that adults don’t like
you being angry.
When you throw a temper tantrum, large or small, you get
punished for it.
This teaches you that being angry is bad and you
should keep it to yourself.
As an adult, when anger gets the best of you and you show
it,
people around you don’t respond well to it either.
Some get frightened by anger. Others get defensive or
angry in return. Exchanges full of anger
often lead to regret and shame. They can even end a close
friendship–a price you don’t want to pay.
Embracing Your Anger Does Not Mean Throwing Tantrums
When you express your anger, you think that
you’re right and that the other person or situation needs to change. Or you say
regretful, stupid things fueled by anger.
In any case, you believe that someone or something
outside you is the cause of your anger.
This stance makes it easy to miss the early signal to go
inside and investigate.
Embracing anger is turning inward to know your
heart.
It means spending time with your anger to learn what is
under it—what’s really going on.
Treat Every Inner Disturbance as a Clue
Nothing changed in my life until I started to pay
attention to all disturbances in peace I experienced, the little irritations,
annoyances that were signs of anger.
I began to appreciate whatever anger bubbled up because I
saw it as a guide.
Here’s an instance of a little annoyance I would have
disregarded earlier in my life. I was talking with my partner on a walk through
downtown about some insights I had about an important relationship. He
interrupted me to point out how a new hotel construction was being completed,
with details that could be barely seen at night.
I felt disturbed, but instead of just burying that
feeling like I normally would, I asked myself
why I felt that way. I realized the annoyance
pointed to anger about attention taken away from me. Needing attention from
people who matter is a need I have.
If I don’t get the attention, I feel like I don’t
matter.
I also recognized that my typical strategy would be to
remain silent and let my partner go on.
But instead of being silent, I stepped out of the pattern
to speak up and stand with a new belief
that I am important and deserving of attention.
In this instance, once noticing the disturbance and
realizing what it meant, I said, “What I’m saying is more important to me than
what you’re pointing out that I can see another time.”
My message was accepted with a small apology.
Attuned to the energy of anger, I found it hidden in
jealousy, envy, blame, frustration, disappointment, regret, withdrawal,
stubbornness, and shame.
I even found it in my lack of kindness in talking to my
partner, my banging cupboard doors,
my prolonged silence, and my criticism and judgment of
others.
When you follow each sign of anger you will find what is
buried in your heart.
You will discover what you need to resolve lifelong
patterns that limited your growth.
Through Your Anger You Discover Your Needs, Beliefs, and
Strategies
I began to know and honor the needs underlying
my anger,
such as my needs for acknowledgement and attention as I
describe above.
I also realized I had many limiting
beliefs that stemmed back to my childhood,
when my needs weren’t met. This is where my feeling of
not mattering came from,
but now I could recognize it and deal with it.
Related to these beliefs I also saw the variety of
limiting strategies I adopted trying to get these needs met. Some of
these were being an over-achiever, a perfectionist, and overly self-reliant.
To illustrate, I recently felt angry when I didn’t make
the cut in auditioning for a voice ensemble. When I stayed with my anger,
I found the pain of a wounded young-child who believed
she wasn’t worthy, and saw clearly
her strategies of people-pleasing
and over-achieving that failed to get her what she
wanted.
Not only does your anger guide you to your needs but it
helps you recognize the limiting beliefs
and strategies that run your life. These were created and
adopted early in childhood
by a very young child and their limitations deserve
examination.
Deeply Exploring Your Anger Involves a Commitment
Taking full advantage of honoring your anger
involves taking the time to begin a process of
discovery.
This means remembering to remain the adult compassionate
witness to what is there,
and not identifying with or be taken over by the anger,
and finally remaining with the anger long enough until
you drop into what is beneath it.
You may discover child-like vulnerability, fears,
helplessness, and pain.
When you integrate with lost parts of you, you
deconstruct the patterns that run your life
and free your original innocent heart to shine through.
You are Richly Rewarded for Embracing Anger
When you are one with your heart, you know not only your
needs for safety, love
and community but your deep longings for meaning and
purpose.
You consciously make choices true to your heart.
Then your heart opens—to love more and deeply; to reveal
its wisdom; to see the world
as an innocent child; to be present and accepting for all
that shows up; and much more.
Embracing anger may be counter-intuitive,
but in doing so you become aware of old, unconscious
reactive patterns.
In becoming aware of these patterns you free yourself to
choose from a place of power.
Fully in your power you allow yourself to be fully
present to experience life
from the only moment you ever have—this present moment.
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/anger-is-a-guide-embrace-set-yourself-free/
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