(White) ground elder and green alkanet.
How to Help
Someone Without Saying a Thing
Harriet Cabelly
“The greatest good you can do for another is not just to
share your riches
but to reveal to him his own.” Benjamin Disraeli
Listening.
It’s a very powerful tool but unfortunately not well utilized.
I propose that if we all learned to listen better, there
would be less of a need for therapists.
I myself am a social worker and have been providing
counseling to clients for years.
I have often felt that I was working as a well-paid or
glorified listener; that if “lay” people
could just listen better, there would be less of a need
for professional listeners.
Those clients who simply need a safe place to unload and
vent would already have a space
where what they say matters for that time period, where
they feel heard and acknowledged.
As human beings, we all have a universal need to feel
heard and understood.
I might be going out on a limb to say that I find many people
to be quite self-centered
in their conversation, or perhaps I should say in their
monologue.
They love to hear themselves talk, rarely ask the other
questions, and when they finally allow
the other person to speak, they quickly bring it right
back to themselves.
In the book The Art of Racing in the Rain by
Garth Stein,
there is a paragraph on this listening business.
Narrated by a dog, it reads “I never deflect the course
of the conversation with a comment
of my own. People, if you pay attention to them,
change the direction of one another’s conversations
constantly….
Pretend you are a dog like me and listen to other people
rather than steal their stories.”
Tips to Listen
Fully
1. Realize the
distinction between listening and hearing.
Hearing is an auditory/physiological process. Listening
involves the whole person—mind, heart,
and soul. Attentiveness, interest, and concern need
to shine through.
Listen with your whole self. Forget yourself for a short
while and show an interest.
There’s so much to learn from people. Everybody has
a story.
2. Reflect back on
what the other says.
Comment on it; it makes them feel heard.
All too often we bring it back to ourselves. Let people
feel that it’s all about them for that moment.
3. Be present and
stay focused.
Stay with the other person’s talk.
It’s obvious when the listener is simply thinking about
his next comment.
4. Ask
questions—meaningful ones.
Not the concrete 5 W questions (where, what, who, when,
why). It shows you really want to understand the other person, not just
participate at the bare minimum.
5. Acknowledge
feelings.
I know this can sound like touchy feely stuff, but it’s
the crux of good communication.
It’s worth repeating again: when people feel understood,
they’re less likely to get defensive and argumentative.
As human beings, our visceral need is to feel held, with
words, rather than to receive solutions.
When we get the space and understanding we need, we can
usually come to our own answers.
And if not, there’s always time to brainstorm for
possible solutions.
In the simple act of listening, you can reveal much to
someone else.
What if we all just listened more?
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-help-someone-without-saying-a-thing/
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You can TCR music, poetry or self development material for internal
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I can Turbo Charge Read a novel
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I can TCR an instructional/academic book
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Perhaps you’d like to check out my sister blogs:
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www.ourbusinessminds.blogspot.com
development, growth, management. www.mreenhunthappyartaccidents.blogspot.com
just for fun.
To quote the Dr Seuss himself, “The more that you read, the
more things you will know.
The more that you learn; the more places you'll go.”
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