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Monday, 28 April 2014

How to say what you need to say.

These steps may be a little difficult at first, but you can re-enter a conversation with grace. M'reen

How to say what you need to say.

Re-enter the Conversation.
This can be done physically with kids and even adults or verbally if that is more appropriate.
When things are going wrong and you are digging yourself in deeper say something along the lines of: ‘I need to stop, go out of the door and come back in with a different attitude/approach/ clearer head.’ You may or may not want to gain the agreement of the person you are talking with that this is an acceptable arrangement. This enables the person you are talking with to also accept that it is OK 
to be wrong, it is OK to reconsider and that it’s OK to take a time out. But. 
That your priority is to do what is necessary to resolve this issue to the best benefit for all.
An alternative I’ve used when we’ve both been standing is to say, “Let’s sit down and discuss this.”
I then sat down in someone else’s establishment and invited then to sit also. This time and action space enabled a break in the ‘going wrong’ part of the negotiations; it also put me in the lead position offering a solution to our mutual agreement.

Make like a Broken Record.
that is stuck on one point that repeats and repeats.
“No, I can’t on Friday.”
This is a flat statement of fact that is non-negotiable.
It may be said with a sad shake of the head,
a quick look up as if you are consulting some internal diary.
No ‘why’ you can’t as that leads to a debate regarding your reasons.
Each time you are asked you simply repeat: “No, I can’t on Friday.”
Most people give up after 3 repeats, the really ‘orrible may take 7 or even more repetitions.
By this time you can have a smile in your eyes as you continue with: “No, I can’t on Friday.”
This is not a contest with you getting angry or stubborn, just you are simply patiently waiting 
for the other to respect your declaration. There is no reason for you to justify, to give a reason.
If it is true, you might want to say: “No, I can’t on Friday but Saturday or Tuesday are possibilities.”
Salesmen are trained to ‘overcome’ these ‘objections’ often by going off track and asking 
other questions that often beg a positive response from you. Regardless what is asked 
you continue with a persistent and unchanging: “No, I can’t on Friday.” You may preface this new 
attack with “I hear you but, No, I can’t on Friday.” Or “I understand but No, I can’t on Friday.” 
This is like the silent air during a TV or Radio interview, it is going nowhere fast.
The problem is we’ve been trained from childhood to answer questions, to be polite, 
to be accommodating. So you will probably have to practice this quite a few times. 
If there are no real life opportunities then practice with a character in a novel, film or soap opera.

Make a Sandwich.
You need to say something that may be negative or unpleasant,
so sandwich it between two positive slices.
This can be useful in verbal or written correspondence.
(I still like: I could agree with you but then we’d both be wrong’;
I’m told of a lawyer who is itching to use this in court!)
When asked to increase your work load you could comment on (positive) how useful the project is
then (negative) make a statement that you unfortunately cannot be involves at this point in time 
and then follow it by (positive) how much you look forward to the project being completed 
because of its benefits.
This is a complete and final statement saying that you cannot be involved.
This also affirms that this problem is not yours to resolve.
Again this takes a little practice and thought. But when I was a child I was given some Dutch Drops (whatever they might be) 2 or 3 black drops on a huge spoonful of sugar with another spoonful of sugar to follow. Once you get this picture/experience, or the sandwich picture/production or some other sequence that works for you then you will find it easier to make this sequence your own.

‘Speak to the Hand ‘cos the Head ain’t Listening’.
There is more to this than meets the eye.
When you raise your hand up next to your head you are energetically doing two things.
You are forming an energy shield – stop!
And the other’s eye and attention is directed away from you.
They may even be slightly shocked, that is taken aback, their pattern broken somewhat.
You are clearly demonstrating that you do not accept whatever is being said but they can go on ahead and say it if they want, but that it is pointless as you’ve already rejected the message.
If this is with someone you couldn’t possibly do this to; then DO IT IN YOUR MIND.
It gives you a power, a protected shielded attitude.
I have done something similar in a very distressing situation. I just drew my hand down completely from the top of me to the bottom thus separating the person from me.
This is copying the exaggerated bow with your hand out that one gives to one’s ruler;
in effect you bring that person’s energy down.
Conversely if you bring your hand up, say, to sweep your hair back you raise your own energy.

Perhaps you’d like to check out my sister blogs:               this takes advantage of the experience and expertise of others.      describes the steps to reading in the way your mind prefers.         just for fun.                   for your advanced reading techniques

To quote the Dr Seuss himself, “The more that you read, the more things you will know.
The more that you learn; the more places you'll go.”

Monday, 21 April 2014

Words that can get you into and out of trouble.

Photo by M'reen, this amused me as it was hidden deep under a hedge!   

Words that can get you into and out of trouble.

I am a Sagittarian and I once read something along the lines of ‘what you think you heard me saying wasn’t what I actually said, because what I said has flipped over between my mouth and your ears.’
Also, that we Sagittarian will throw something into a conversation just to see how it bounces
with no investment in the outcome.
Whenever your birthday the following realisations can come in useful when facing a disagreement with someone you want to remain friends with.

Why is generally a word to avoid unless it is qualified.
Why is a challenge that produces a defensive posture in the listener.
Just pose some why questions in your mind. They imply that you are wrong, stupid 
and all sorts of negative stuff; particularly if spoken in ‘that’ tone of voice!
Now try qualifying. Preface the WHY with, “I’m really curious why you,” “I’m really interested 
in understanding why …”; said in a genuinely caring or needing to understand tone of voice.

not YOU
You will notice that when you qualified WHY you used:
 ‘I’(am curious why …) and not ‘you’ (‘Why did you ….’).
Try. ‘you make me sick!!!’      Now try, ‘I feel sick when you… ‘
       ‘you always …..’                Now try, ‘I always feel … when I you …. (try to change the you)’
 ‘I always feel …. when I hear you say …’ Now try and take it a step further and avoid the ‘you’
‘I always feel ….  when I hear (and repeat the sentence)’
Now you’ve got two ’I’s’ in the conversation.
This is taking responsibility for your feelings.
It is not putting responsibility for your feelings onto the other person.
I find this rather difficult to do in the heat of the moment.
In the heat of the moment you are not at your professional best; you just react. A black belt in a number of arts told me that when faced with a terrifying situation you forget your training and run.
So when listening to or watching a drama, consciously listen for the ‘YOUs’ and then change 
the sentence to an ‘I’ one, in this way you will have a chance of hearing yourself speak 
and so have the opportunity to defuse the situation.
In my experience, if you stop yourself and repeat the sentence without the ‘you’
then the other person who has not played the ‘taking responsibility for my own feelings’ game
will also stop themselves and substitute ‘I’ for ‘you’. And with this mutual respect and care you feel free to express yourself fully and are more fully able to listen to the other person.

A client expressed this rather well.
If I say to my wife:
‘You look nice in that dress but your bum is big’ then I’d better hide behind the settee.
‘You look nice in that dress, however your bum is big’ I might stand a chance of living another day.
‘Even though your bum is big, you look nice in that dress’ and I get to enjoy a lovely evening.
The fact is that no matter how much or for how long you praise something as soon as you say BUT you destroy everything that you have said or written before the BUT.
Try it, try and compose a positive sentence that is not ruined by BUT.

You might put BUT after a full stop as an emphasis as to how the situation can be improved.
When doing this I will pause after my negative statement. Emphasise BUT. Pause again.
Before completing what I want to say. In this way I have effectively disconnect myself 
from the start of the sentence and can now offer a solution.

If you find yourself stuck in mid sentence, soften the blow with HOWEVER or EVEN THOUGH.
However, the best option is to put the end of your sentence at the beginning.

AND? and BECAUSE? Even a gentle WHY?
When said in a positive way AND? and BECAUSE? are enabling words.
They express interest without imposing your own thoughts.
A raised eyebrow or open palms ask the same question.
However anything can have opposite effects depending on your intent.
A gentle ‘because’ can lead a person deeper and deeper into their experience
whereas as a persistent ‘because’ can become increasingly aggressive.

Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Dream Work and Progress.

Dream Man painted by M'reen

Dreams and reality. M'reen

In real life I have a dressing gown that has needed to be replaced for rather a long time.
Also, I don’t recall ever owning a pair of bedroom slippers.
I dreamt that I was walking along in my tatty pink dressing gown and eventually realised that I was wearing tatty pink bedroom slippers. I recognised that I needed to be wearing shoes for my expected venue and spent some time dithering; how detrimental were tatty pink bedroom slippers, 
how much time and effort would it take me to go back and get shoes and return to this point?
Eventually I decided to go on and after a few steps remembered that that the rest of my journey
was across wet grass. The wet grass would seep through my slippers and be cold and uncomfortable.
Cold is not something I like and to be wet simply adds insult to injury.

I have a qualification in Dreamwork but I don’t work with my rarely remembered fragments
of dreams even though Freud, Jung or whoever said that, ‘an unexplored dream
is like an unopened letter to oneself’.

The night before I’d sent an email to a few people as I needed a pat on the back
and only the furthest person from me responded with a wish that I was well.

Today one of those persons rang and said that they liked my article on but. And I responded that the ‘but’ was deliberate.
Reflecting on this conversation I decided to take the next step as if I did not then I would be held back
by situations I had little control over.
It is exceptional for me to dream of a situation before its event, and to recognise that my dreams 
have been working away in the background prompting my conscious mind into action.

Perhaps you’d like to check out my sister blogs:               this takes advantage of the experience and expertise of others.      describes the steps to reading in the way your mind prefers.         just for fun.                   for your advanced reading techniques

To quote the Dr Seuss himself, “The more that you read, the more things you will know.
The more that you learn; the more places you'll go.”

Monday, 7 April 2014

Analyse versus Feeling.

M'reen's Photograph of Ely market.

Analyse versus Feeling. M'reen
These thoughts and feelings were prompted by someone’s Social Media comment.
I think my photo shows aspects of balance, skill, support and wonder of growing

Firstly I need to define what I mean by Analyse and Feeling,
that is I need to understand the (apparent ) difference between the two from my perspective
and in doing that it may give me an insight into the perspective of others.
I think (therefore I am?) that to analyse is to use your head (as if it was not part of your whole being?)
That to analyse somehow makes you less able to ‘feel’ and that to ‘feel’ enables you to empathize 
with others at a deep level of understanding and so are warmer and less threatening.
Why do I feel the need to understand my feelings about these words?
Why do I think about my perception of these words?
The prior sentence came intuitively and the second needed thinking about, but most likely one will appeal to you and the other will feel alien in the same way that for some the glass is half full 
or half empty. However, had my last words in the preceding sentence been Think then I’m sure 
that I would just have easily used Think as opposed to Feel.
Why do I need to analyse the energy behind the title statement;
is it because of my experiences when I was twice challenged in the past?
Firstly during Group Working tuition where we were part of an Experiential group I was challenged 
for Thinking as opposed to Feeling . At the time I was a student counsellor and my fellow Group Working students were practicing counsellors.  
Secondly when I was challenged because I have the ability to order my thoughts / understanding about 
a situation and that was not an expected ability amongst the other Life Coaching students. 
I felt Different and Confused that it was not expected that some others were able to do the same as I.
Yet we find it easy to accept that someone can create music, see energy or understand calculus.
Surely I need to understand my differences so that I can appreciate my energetic of felt sense responses and so be kinder or more empathic to myself and to others?

How do I experience Analysis and how do I experience Feeling?
To me Analysis is a process of thoughts that order themselves into a hierarchy of understanding 
in my head.
To me Feeling is an energy awareness in, on or around my physical body.
The leading statement of this article has an energetic charge for me due to the challenges described 
above and my response to feeling Different and Confused.
All words have an energy or belief (belief being the building block of emotion). There is undoubtedly 
an emotional response to a word in isolation or to a word with inflection or in context with others.
As part of an experiment In the 1980s a TV programme was aired whereby they asked you to record 
how many words appeared at the top of the screen and how many were at the bottom.
There was no ambiguity for me as the words were definitely at the top or bottom of the screen when, 
in fact, the words had been broadcast in the exact centre of the screen; it was my emotional response 
to the word that placed it in a negative or positive position. That and the fact that the subconscious 
had been instructed to respond.
Back to the two sentences:
To me Analysis is a process of thoughts that order themselves into understanding in my head.
To me Feeling is an energy awareness in, on or around my physical body.
To me Analysis is a process of thoughts that order themselves into understanding in my head.
This means that the thought processes demand to be ordered and understood to the best 
of my current ability. This process often leads to incorporating a ‘balance’ thought or to another awareness or to a connection previously not made.
If not released these thoughts will continue to circulate in my head until the process of writing 
and explaining all this to myself provides that release or completes the Gestalt – the circle.
To me Feeling is an energy awareness in, on or around my physical body.
This is equally strong and demanding but in a different way as it doesn’t have words to describe it 
because words are a function of the modern brain.
These energy feelings of, “Ah, there you are” are like the sun coming out from behind a cloud 
as now they can be consciously recognised, appreciated and which if appropriate can be released; 
with generally the opposite energy being welcomed back into my system as this is powerfully completing.
Currently I’m studying a subject that is out of my comfort zone and so challenges some of my beliefs, 
it also taps into my dyslexic tendencies and also the outcome of my study is important to me.
On occasions I’ve been aware of the energy of mild panic which I’ve simply released 
or I’ve been curious as to what that particular feeling means to me before releasing .
I think that to trust your higher self / yourself / your magnificent self- however you may describe that state and to just accept that you can release that fear energy –and it will be OK is appropriate.
Sometimes I Think and Feel that it is important or interesting to understand where the ‘panic’ comes from to the best of my ability; as understanding comes before acceptance which comes before release. 
Some people might use the word Forgiveness (of the self or of others) but I prefer to use ‘release’ 
or the phrase “Letting go”.

P.S. I’ve noticed that if I’ve said that I don’t necessarily agree fully with someone’s statement 
on Social Media that my disagreement has been ignored.
I wonder; is Social Media an act of self congratulatory navel gazing?
Or am I being a typical Sagittarian and throwing a ball into the conversation
just to see how it bounces?

The thought presented itself as, “how’s your navel?”
I had to respond. Ha, ha, ha, spot on, someone has the job to do!
It’s an ‘inny’ by the way, and therefore I think inwardly, I also feel.
We could garner millions for a study of navels.
Innies working out from their self observation. The extreme inny being an autistic person.
Outies working from a world perspective in towards themselves. Dash I forget the term and who coined it, the extreme outy not having an inner life but accruing status and value from some other,
a job, organisation or quest in life.

There must be flatties, but I’ve not heard of them. People who are balanced at some point in the dualities of life, maybe only for a period but balanced nonetheless.

Since writing the above I had a thought provoking experience as I felt very uncomfortable in a situation.
I rationalised this by using the phrase, 'drawing a line in the sand'. My line is not one of, 'I expect you to attack and will repel such an attack' nor is it 'if you get close then I shall defend' but one of comfortable balance with no need to attack or defend. The analogy of a rock upon which the sea may choose to dash itself against or comfortably caress while it remains a complete as a rock is the best I can do at the moment. This experience and the following thought has left me feeling calmer and more confident.
You can pre-read all your course material for internal knowing.
I can Turbo Charge Read a novel 6-7 times faster and remember what I’ve read.
I can TCR an instructional/academic book around 20 times faster and remember what I’ve read.
Introduction to Turbo Charged Reading YouTube
A practical overview of Turbo Charged Reading YouTube  
How to choose a book. A Turbo Charged Reading YouTube
Emotions when Turbo Charged Reading YouTube

Advanced Reading Skills Perhaps you’d like to join my FaceBook group ?

Perhaps you’d like to check out my sister blogs:
All aspects of regular, each-word reading and education.
Turbo Charged Reading uses these skills significantly faster               Personal business development.        just for fun.

To quote the Dr Seuss himself, “The more that you read, the more things you will know.
The more that you learn; the more places you'll go.”