Perennial cornflower.
7 Ways To Truly
Master Your Own Mind
Dumb Little Man SJW
A few weeks ago, I met up with an acquaintance, B, for
lunch.
Throughout the lunch, I couldn’t help but feel there was
some sort of communication breakdown.
He would cut me off even though I was
still talking. He kept offering unwanted advice and opinions, even though I was
not asking for help. It became quite frustrating just 15 minutes into
the conversation. After 30 minutes, I stopped sharing and
nodded away to everything he said.
After the meet-up, I reflected over the situation.
It was clear that there were fundamental problems in the
communication.
For one, there was a lack of active listening on B’s
part. He didn’t sense I wasn’t asking
for his opinions and kept pushing his way through even
when I was shutting out.
Unfortunately, he came across the wrong way even though
he had his best intentions.
On my end, I was too single-minded in my communication to
receive B’s well-intended advice.
I was only looking for certain responses, and when he
didn’t respond in that manner,
I began to tune out
of the conversation.
It’s easy for us to accuse others of being poor
communicators, poor listeners or poor speakers,
but the thing about communication is that it’s not
one-sided – it’s 2-way. You can’t accuse someone of being a poor communicator
without you being a poor communicator yourself.
Through this experience, I learned 10 important keys of
communication
which I’d like to share with you here:
Be receptive to
what others say
While it’s good to enter the communication with a clear
objective of what you want, don’t be
so focused on it that you tune out on important messages
the person is trying to communicate.
Don’t expect the answers to come in a certain manner and
certain style.
Have a focus and at the same time keep your mind open.
Even if the people come across as critical, learn to deal
with critical people and be open to criticism. Many people are quick to shut
out criticisms but in the process they lose out
on a lot of valuable advice and feedback. Don’t take
criticisms personally.
Look for the message in the criticisms instead. Ask
yourself: “What made the person say this?
What lessons can I take away from this? How does this
relate to my situation?”
With an open mind, you can have more answers to what you
seek.
Look out for the subtext
Subtext is the underlying message of the communication.
It’s more well-known as
“reading between the lines”. Many misunderstandings
between people
(especially between females and males) occur because they
take each other too literally,
vis-a-vis responding to the subtexts.
To sieve out subtexts accurately, you have to listen
actively to what’s communicated
and be observant. Watch out for hand gestures, body
language, speed of voice and tonality of voice.
The most important points of the communication are
usually not openly articulated.
Knowing how to read the subtext will take you a long way
in building great relationships.
Be positive
By being positive, it means to be generous with your
emotions, such as love and kindness.
Have you ever communicated with emotionally stingy
people? These people are critical all the time. They keep harping on a small
mistake and pinpointing every “issue” they can find.
It feels suffocating
and draining to be around them.
On the other hand, being an emotionally generous person
makes you more endearing to be around. Focus more on the positive areas and not
the negative ones.
Have genuine care and concern for the person’s well-being.
Give praise where it’s deserved.
People will look forward to interacting with you because
they feel happier and uplifted doing so.
Respect the person
Any successful communication can only take place with
mutual respect.
If you don’t respect the person first and foremost, it’ll
show itself during the conversation.
Acknowledge the person’s background, expertise and
capabilities. Acknowledge the person’s position as the owner of his/her life.
Even if it’s a colleague you dislike, respect him/her
for what he/she
has done. How do you feel if the people who speak to you don’t respect you?
That’s going to be how the other party feels.
Not only that, you can’t expect others to respect you if
you don’t first respect them, can you?
Maintain eye
contact
Looking at the speaker in the eye is a reassuring way of
letting the person know you are there
and listening. You don’t have to be staring 100% of the
time. Just maintain the gaze long enough whenever he/she looks over, and give a
reaffirming nod every once in a while.
You don’t want him/her thinking you are zoning out when
you are really listening.
Don’t interrupt
the person (unless there is good reason)
Don’t cut in unnecessarily. Even if the person is
long-winded,
at the very least give him/her a few chances to fully
express himself/herself before jumping in. Sometimes, you may think you know
what the person is going to say next,
but you may actually be wrong. There have been times when
the other party says something
that’s completely different from what I thought he/she
would say.
I’ve been out with people who are extremely long-winded –
they can literally go on-and-on
for 30 minutes, talking and talking, without realizing
the people around have switched off.
When you face such people, let them finish talking for
the first few times.
If subsequent replies are as lengthy, then chances are
the person is very fogged up in his/her thinking pattern. Help him/her zoom
down to the answer through the right questions. (Tip #9)
When in doubt, ask
It’s easy to assume, but as the old saying goes, when you
assume, you make an ASS out of
U and ME. Everyone you talk to is a whole new
person, so don’t think what applies to person X
will automatically apply to person Y too. Erase all
beliefs you formed of others
and start off the communication on a whole new slate.
When in doubt, ask for more details.
Get all the facts before making any conclusion.
A good habit is to ask a clarifying question every time
the person finishes talking so you know you got the right message. This goes a
long way in a good conversation (and relationship).
Mirror the person
Mirroring is the behavior in which one person copies
another person usually while in social interaction with them. It may include
miming gestures, movements, body language, muscle tensions, expressions, tones,
eye movements, breathing, tempo, accent, attitude, choice of words/metaphors
and other aspects of communication. (Wikipedia)
Mirroring is more of a strategy to facilitate
communication, rather than the key to
good communication. Avoid relying on it solely, and don’t
overdo it too. Trying to mirror someone 100% will only make you look like an
empty shell. That being said, mirroring does help you
to ease into the right “state” for communication. The
next time you speak to someone,
try to mirror the key body movements. If the person is
sitting in a slouched position,
slouch and match your eye at the same level. If the
person is smiling, smile along with him/her.
This will encourage him/her to open up more.
To get the right
answers, ask the right questions
Every conversation is made up of questions and answers.
Being a better communicator requires you to know what are the right questions
to ask, so you can forward the conversation the right way.
The direction of the conversation and the type of answers
you get is dependent on
the quality of your questions.
There are several types of questions.
The 1st is open questions. You ask these when you want
the person to openly share about something. Example: “What happened?” or “How
did the meeting go?”.
The 2nd is probing questions. These are pin-pointed to
uncover more about a particular topic.
For example: “What made you think this way?”, “What are
you unhappy about?”
or “What did he do
to you?”.
The 3rd is close-ended questions. You ask these to get a quick
yes/no answer on areas
you already have
specific thoughts on. These help to advance the conversation quickly.
Using a combination of these questions help you create
the best communication experience.
Connect with
genuinity
Ultimately, it’s all about genuine connection. As long as
you are communicating
with the best intentions, and a sincere desire to know
the person better, nothing can go wrong.
When I talk to others, I prefer to let
my best intentions guide me, and leave other technicalities
as secondary. I find that’s the most effective way to
reach out. For example, even though
I’ve never studied NLP on a professional level, I found
that many things I intuitively do
in communication are in line with what is taught in NLP (such
as mirroring, matching).
In the end, let your heart lead the way and the rest will
follow.
http://www.dumblittleman.com/10-keys-to-be-becoming-better/
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Perhaps you’d like to check out my sister blogs:
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www.ourinnerminds.blogspot.com
Personal business
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www.happyartaccidents.blogspot.com
just for fun.
To quote the Dr Seuss himself, “The more that you read, the
more things you will know.
The more that you learn; the more places you'll go.”
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