Alexander.
20 Things to
Remember If You Love A Person With Depression
Christian Maciel
According to the World Health Organization, there are
more than 350 million people
all over the world with depression. With that staggering
statistic, it is highly probable
that we will all interact at some point with someone
experiencing a bout with depression.
With that probability in mind, the very people you would
not expect to be experiencing depression, such as friends, family, co-workers,
and even your boss, will be the ones fighting it.
As a psychotherapist, it is crucial to disclose that in
my years of experience working
with individuals and even marriages experiencing
depression, one of the most devastating aspects
of dealing with depression is the stigma and negative
criticism that comes from others.
Furthermore, people may not even know that their
behaviors and comments are being negative
or hurtful and sometimes even make the depression feel
worse.
With this in mind, here are 20 simple things we can
remember when interacting
with those that may be having a fight with depression.
Any one of these points will not only help
with the stigma surrounding
depression, but may even help the individual dealing with depression.
1. They are strong in character
In a recent Tedx talk, psychiatrist and philosopher, Dr.
Neel Burton explains that depression
can represent a deeper search for meaning and
significance in life. A person experiencing depression can be seen as working
to make sense of life and trying to achieve more,
fix more and improve more. Moreover, depression can be a way of
preparing a better
and even healthier future for ourselves and those around
us. Dr. Burton goes on to mention
that some of the most influential and inspirational
people have dealt with depression such as, Abraham Lincoln and Winston
Churchill. Their search for peace, happiness and peace
led their hearts and minds into the pit of depression,
but they ended up changing the course of history.
It takes immense will and transparency to acknowledge the
presence of depression,
but it also pushes people to create answers in the
darkest moments in life.
In conclusion, depression can take people into the deep
woods of our souls
and help clear out any unneeded weeds, or shrubs that may
be hiding the beauty of life.
It is not an act of fear, cowardliness, or ignorance.
2. They love it when you reach out to
them unexpectedly
I believe that one of the biggest assumptions of someone
dealing with a bout of depression
is that they want to be left alone. Although that could
seem true at times,
it is a dose of healthy social medicine when a friend, a
loved one, or a neighbour drops by
to say hello. One growing theory about the root of depression
in our society
is the lack of social relationships in our communities
and even in our families.
There is a constant dose of emptiness and disconnection
in our everyday interactions
due to overworking, television and technology. People
managing depression need more company, more friends, more people reaching out
to them, and more people wanting to spend time
with them, not the opposite.
The next time you find yourself thinking about someone
that is going through a depressive state, think of a nice, engaging and
friendly act you can show them, instead of choosing to stay away
from them. If we use the example of Jesus, He was always
with people. To take it further,
Jesus chose to spend time with trusted associates and not
be alone too often.
In fact, it was when He was alone that Satan chose to
tempt him the most.
Consider your loved ones and friends that are
experiencing depression as a needing you
and your presence more than ever. It is interesting to
think about the times when I was growing up and my mother would always make it
a point to lean on her sisters and brother during times
of trouble or loneliness. Family and community is a
natural remedy for depression.
Let’s start to use it more often.
Mother Teresa put it very well,
“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling
of being unloved.”
3. They do not want to burden anyone
Only a depressed individual understands how hard it is to
hide their feelings and thoughts
from others to avoid being shamed. One characteristic of
a person dealing with depression
is that they are keenly aware of themselves, their
thoughts, their feelings and the behavior
of others towards them. The weight that depression can
bring upon a person
is enough to bury them for a day – the burying of those
around them is not on the to-do list.
Unfortunately, individuals fighting depression may push
to be alone because they do not want
to impact anyone negatively. Although this may not always
be the case, depressed loved ones
desire to manage their depression successfully and not
allow it to touch anyone ever so slightly.
This can be a paradoxical situation because being alone
can actually exacerbate
the symptoms of depression.
Depression can make someone feel as if they’re a burden
to the world, especially to those
around them. They are not seeking attention, nor want any
coddling or rose-colored glasses
handed to them. It is a valuable insight to recognize
that managing their depression effectively
is the most important goal of a depressed individual, not
causing anyone any burdens or pain.
If they do happen to hurt you or offend you, remember
that they are not the enemy –
their depression is the true enemy. Tell your depressed
loved one that you accept them fully, unconditionally, and remind them of any
and all positive traits you love about them.
4. They are not “broken” or “defective”
The human body is a complex machine. It is the oldest
organism on Earth and we still do not know how to fully prevent it from
breaking down. Still more complex though is the human brain
and it’s many structures and functions. Although the
cause of some forms of depression
are not fully known or understood, many of us make the
assumption that a depressed individual
is defective, or flawed. The quality of the person is not
correlated with the diagnosis of depression. Much like having a big chin, being
overweight, or having a lisp is a characteristic
without a given or specific cause, depression can come about in a
person’s life for many reasons.
It is not indicative of a broken or defective person.
The most helpful thing you can do is continue to value
the depressed individual
and continue to see them as whole, strong, and valuable.
5. They are natural philosophers
Individuals living with depression have many questions
and opinions about life, about happiness
and about their significance on Earth. It is not enough
to simply make money,
or launch a successful career. It is not enough to simply
live the “American” dream.
It is not enough to simply live in the present and hope
it all works out.
Depression has a funny way of making your perspective
broader and more inclusive.
Depressed individuals would love to make the world a
better and more just place.
They would love to have answers to all of life’s
challenges and then would like to share
that knowledge with as many people as possible. At times,
this inquisitiveness can be an enemy, since it will create your questions than
there are answers.
So, recognize that at their core, depressed individuals
are intelligent, inquisitive,
curious and creative. This is a positive, not a negative.
6. They are fighting hard against
depression and appreciate lots of support
In the biggest fight of their lives, depressed
individuals need cheerleaders, not bullies.
It is in the darkest moments that friends can become angels
and angels become lifesavers – literally. You will have a choice at some point
in your life to be a lifesaver or a life taker. Be a lifesaver.
Give the gift of acceptance, help, encouragement and
presence.
7. They like opportunities for fun and
laughter
What’s the opposite of depression? Mania! It is a proven
scientific phenomenon that laughter
is good for the soul and the mind. Depressed individuals
function the same way.
I always like to remember the Jerry Seinfeld episode
where Jerry has a sick friend in the hospital
and tries to do his “set” to cheer him up and make him
laugh.
Well, he ends up killing his friend because he made him
laugh too hard.
Don’t worry – you won’t hurt your depressed loved ones or
friends with your humor and laughter. Dish it out and dish it out often.
8. They are sensitive to other people’s
feelings and actions
Depressed individuals care – and they care a lot. They
care about how you feel, how you see them, how you see yourself and what others
need. It may be that they care too much!
Some of the most caring people I have ever met are people
that suffer from some sort of depression. Let them know what you need and what
you do not need.
Set boundaries with them that are respectful, clear and
considerate. Also, ask about
what their needs and wants are and let them know what you
are capable of giving, or not giving. There is nothing better than a sound
relationship based on healthy communication and boundaries.
9. They should be treated respectfully
There is a negative stigma attached to dealing with
depression. And, it’s not the depressed individual doing the stigmatization. It
is society. I cannot repeat this enough – reducing the stigmatization
will help alleviate the societal effects of depression.
Respect is a value much more than it is an act.
If it was an act, I would rather pay for it, than expect
it and not receive it.
Respect involves seeing beyond the depressed individual
and seeing the whole person.
Depression has the ability to mask many other positive
and truly remarkable qualities of a person.
Do not let depression lie to you
and lie to your loved one. Celebrate what you don’t see initially
by seeking out the goodness of those suffering with this
tough illness.
10. They should be treated like anyone
else
No need for eggshells, or tiptoes. Go about your business
and assume your depressed loved one
is 100% healthy. Sometimes just living a routine, but a
predictable, purposeful routine,
can bring such a boost and be a remedy for
depression.
11. They have talents and interests
We all have talents and abilities. We all have stinky
breath too. Your depressed loved ones
love to do something too, no doubt. And, guess what? They
can probably do it really, really well!
If you don’t know what it is, then, you’ve just found
your next mission. Go find out.
Help them find what their true passion is. Seek out ways
to grow that passion, to develop and hone that passion and ultimately erase
that negative identity that comes with fighting against depression.
12. They are fully capable of giving and
receiving love
Every human being on Earth is capable of giving and
receiving love. And, you guessed it!
Your depressed loved ones are no different. Give, and you
shall receive. Treat others
as you would like to be treated. And, the list of rules
and laws could go on and on.
It does not matter that someone is fighting depression.
The quality and ability of love
does not change. It is still there! Reach out for it, but
also give it yourself.
You’ll find much more love than you thought was there.
In the small windows of reprieve from the symptoms of
depression,
there can be wonderful episodes of remarkable joy,
laughter and communion.
If you have to wait for those windows to appear, then
just think about the fact
that not every scene of your favorite movie is perfect.
You just have to wait for your favorite parts.
13. They love learning about how life
works
In searching for ways to relieve their depression,
individuals fighting depression
are natural problem-solvers. Do not be surprised if they
are voracious readers, or learners.
Do not be surprised if they ask questions that cannot be
quickly answered.
Many of the world’s leaders and trailblazers were led by
deep analysis, deep thinking and deep,
but strongly-rooted beliefs and values. What an insight!
Depression is not a disability, but an ability that has the potential to
depress! No one person can answer all of life’s question,
nor solve all inequalities. Sometimes, simply allowing
the questions to be asked is enough.
14. They do not plan on losing the fight
against depression
The fight against depression may be lifelong, or it may
last a moment.
Regardless, the fight is one that must be won.
The question always is: when will this depression leave
and how can I speed this up a bit?
The plan is to win against depression. The plan is not to
lose and live in self-pity.
Of utmost importance is to remember that depression is
treatable and there are many,
many resources to help someone do so. One of the first
steps in fighting depression
is to acknowledge its presence. In acknowledging its
presence, you can begin to treat it.
Many times, a person in denial will spend countless
amounts of energy hiding their depression,
or trying to deal with it via their own will.
15. They may feel sad for no apparent
reason, so just be with them
Just like the fog invades the meadow, which eventually
ruins your morning drive to work,
depression can sneak up on its victims. Moods can be
volatile and labile. It is not something
that is easily controlled with a switch or a lever. Remember
that fog? Can you just wish it away? Probably not. Your loved ones are trying
very, very hard to be happy, pleasant and engaging,
but what they need is simple.
They need you to just be there. Literally. Simply sit
with them and read a book together,
watch a comedy together, or take a trip to the local
coffee shop and have a sip together.
No psychologist is needed here, only your presence and
acceptance.
Let the fog fade away as the morning sun rises and
welcomes in a new day.
16. They may not have as much energy as
they would like to have
One of the symptoms of depression is fatigue or lack of
energy.
One of the most helpful antidepressants that has been
proven by research is exercise.
I realize that maybe you have heard of this
recommendation before, but let me be
a little more specific. The type and duration of exercise
can vary, but the minimum
that could have an effect is to do fast walking at least
three times a week for 30 minutes each time. That is the amount of exercise
someone needs in order to feel an anti-depressive effect.
Isn’t that convenient? So, if the sun is out and the
breeze is whispering for you to come out and play, invite your loved one out
for a walk. They may not see an immediate effect, or they actually may! Either
way, exercising in this way is increasing their chances of beating depression
and increasing their energy levels.
17. They may seem irritable at times –
do not take it personally
Irritability is another symptom of depression. Although
there is no excuse
for treating people disrespectfully, it is important to
let any friction with a depressed individual
to slide off your back. On the other hand, it is
acceptable and important to set expectations
and even boundaries with a depressed individual. An
expectation is a minimum standard
that you expect of someone. A boundary can also be
thought of as an expectation
that is set in order to keep a harmonious relationship.
If a depressed individual has hurt your feelings in some
way, it is okay to tell them so;
however, as with any relationship, it is recommended that
you remove any blaming
from the exchange. Simply let your depressed loved one
know how you are feeling
and what you would like from them instead. Also, if your
depressed loved one is not willing to listen, try again later when emotions are
cool. Let them know you love them,
but that you love yourself too. Not only are you modeling
good self-love,
but you are also modeling good communication skills and
boundary-setting.
18. They do not want to hear “shoulds”
As in, “you should go out more with your friends.” If
there is a kryptonite for depressed individuals,
it is this one – the
“shoulds”. Depressed individuals already have a deep and ingrained habit
of “shoulding” themselves to the limit. In case you don’t
know what a “should” is,
it is a statement that has a “should” inserted in the
middle of it.
For example, you “should” go out and exercise more. You
“should” just snap out of it.
If I were you, I would do x, y and z. You “should” do it
like I would.
Not only does this set up a relationship of
condescension, it assumes that the depressed individual does not have a mind
and will of their own. The bottom line is that it feels like the person
making those statements is being a parent. And, depressed
loved ones do not need a parent
telling them what they “should” do. Instead, a depressed
loved one should be asked
as many open-ended questions as possible. This will help
the depressed individual think through their options, consider alternatives,
explore ideas, expand their abilities and so on and so on. “Shoulding” them is
only going to put up a wall and nothing will get accomplished in this way.
Remember, an open-ended question is not a yes or no question.
A yes or no question: do you have a favorite color?
Yes.
An open-ended question: what are your options right now?
Hmm…
19. They need lots of family support and
encouragement
This one is a must. It is not true that family makes
depression worse, or that it doesn’t help.
In fact, there are treatment models for depression that involve
family or a marital partner.
And while it is probably that depression can make a
relationship suffer, there is also a great power
in utilizing a relationship as a tool for helping
depressed individuals learn about themselves
and to learn how to regulate interactions.
One of the best ways to make a difference in a depressed
person’s life is to let them know
you are there for them. It is something that must not be
simply assumed.
It is something that has to be communicated directly,
face to face. Something that
must be considered is the way in which you show support
and encouragement.
Here is a small list of recommendations:
- Give a small, sincere compliment.
- Notice their strengths and positives.
- Include them in events or plans.
- Remove any kryptonite from your language
(shoulds).
- Respect their feelings and thoughts, but use
open-ended questions as much as possible.
20. They need positive reinforcement
more than criticism or negative reinforcement
Sea World trains its killer whales via positive reinforcement.
In parenting training,
positive reinforcement has been shown to work better than
negative reinforcement
in getting the behavior you want. In almost any
relationship, highlighting the positive
and celebrating that, is a healthy and effective way to
increase desired behavior. On the other hand, being the recipient of positive
reinforcement is a wonderful feeling. All of us have been employees
at one
point or another in our lives. Even in the workplace, receiving compliments for
our work,
and being cherished for our efforts, increases both our
productivity and our dedication to the job.
Your depressed loved one will receive a boost in
self-esteem
whenever you
decide to use positive reinforcement. Try it.
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/20-things-remember-your-loved-ones-suffer-from-depression.html
Why Am I Depressed? - The Shocking Truth Behind Your Depression YouTube
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Emotions when Turbo Charged
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Perhaps
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To quote the
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