Larkspur fading into the next stage of their life.
My partner doesn't want to come to counselling with me - what can I do
about it?
One of the things we often
hear at Relate is: ‘I really want to try relationship counselling,
but I don’t know how to get
my partner to come with me.’
It can be difficult to know
how to broach the topic of Relationship Counselling.
You may be worried about how
your partner will react:
whether they’ll be upset, or
angry – or even just confused.
Here are some of the most
common concerns people have about talking to their partner
about counselling and some
suggestions on how to deal with them.
I don’t want to hurt their
feelings
It can be hard if you're not
entirely happy with your relationship,
but are worried talking to
your partner about getting help will upset them.
Perhaps you already tried to
broach the subject in the past and your partner reacted so badly
that instead of being able to
discuss things, you ended up having to appease and reassure them.
The danger here is that if
you don’t have those conversations, nothing will change
and there’s the risk that
you’ll eventually lose hope of ever being fulfilled in your partnership.
In this case, I would be very
gentle with your partner and explain that counselling would provide
a safe space for you both to
have open and honest discussions about how
you could have the best
relationship possible.
Reassure them that you want
to go to counselling because you want the relationship to work out and that
seeing a counsellor could help you to know each other better.
I’m scared they will get
angry
If your partner getting angry
is something you struggle with in your relationship,
the idea of suggesting
counselling can be pretty scary.
But the worst thing you can
do is just keep still in order not to rock the boat.
In my experience, most people
that come to counselling are aware that they need to
manage their feelings better,
but just don’t know how to do it.
It might be the case that in
your relationship your partner is also struggling
to make sense of things and
you are not the only one feeling frustrated and insecure.
I often explain to high conflict
couples that having a third party present can soften the intensity
of arguments - and ensures
you both have a chance to speak and feel heard.
Suggest the idea sensitively
but directly. Let them know that you love and care for them
and want to make the
relationship work, but that sometimes you don’t know what to do and think you
need some support.
My partner doesn’t think
there is anything wrong with our relationship
If your partner is apparently
happy with you and the way things are,
you may worry that they won’t
see any point in counselling and may dismiss the idea outright.
Or you may be anticipating
that they’ll see it’s important to you and agree to attend,
but not really be all that
invested.
I have worked with couples in
both scenarios and it’s interesting to see what comes out
throughout the sessions.
Often, just having the time and space to talk about
and reflect on your
relationship opens up conversations you never saw yourself having.
In the same way you take your
car for an MOT each year, it can’t hurt to have a check up
on your relationship too.
Frozen star Kristen Bell recently shared that she and her husband
have been attending couple therapy since
the start of their relationship
and compared it to having a
trainer in the gym or a recipe when cooking.
You don’t have to go to
therapy because there are major issues – it can just be a chance for you
to prioritise your
relationship and make what you already have even better.
My partner doesn’t believe
in counselling
In this instance, it can help
to understand why your partner doesn’t feel counselling
will be of any use. It might
be that they have had bad experiences with counselling service
in the past, that they don’t
feel comfortable talking in front of a stranger,
or they subscribe to the
commonly-held idea that if the relationship is ‘meant to be’
then it won’t need support.
Once you understand their
reasoning, you can begin to challenge their assumptions
and encourage them to open
their minds up to different possibilities for your relationship.
If your partner is still very
anxious or skeptical about counselling,
you could suggest you just
try it together once and see how it feels as an experiment.
our free online counselling
service - as a way to just dip a toe in the water!
Introduction to Turbo Charged Reading YouTube
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Advanced Reading Skills Perhaps you’d like to join my
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just for fun.
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The more that you
learn; the more places you'll go.”
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