'Divorce was thrown back and
forth, becoming the trump card of threats'
- How Relate saved my military marriage
He and I did
things very quickly. We had our first date a few days after meeting, became
engaged
on a frosty Christmas morning a few months later and married whilst
pregnant the following year.
In the first eighteen months
of marriage, we relocated with the military three times. It had been a
whirlwind of wedding, morning sickness, work trips, packing, un-packing, hellos
and goodbyes, births, becoming parents and yet more packing and
unpacking.
In the first couple of
months, I threw myself into being the best darn housewife you could
shake a tin
of furniture polish at. The house gleamed and smelt of shake ’n vac, the dog
was walked, cakes were baked, meals were prepared and Baby was happy and
content,
sleeping through the nights allowing He and I to eat dinner together
most nights with a glass of wine. I smiled a lot. Because why wouldn’t I? It
was all rather pretty on the outside.
"In the first couple of
months I threw myself into being the best darn housewife you could shake a tin
of furniture polish at."
What I wasn’t prepared to
contend with was the resentment bubbling and fizzing inside me
from my chest to
the darkest depths of my soul. The finality of leaving MY job, MY city, MY
friends, MY lifestyle. Where was MY medal?! Where was MY parade?!
The fear of
never, ever being able to identify with myself as a financially independent,
ambitious, awesome, sexy woman again took my inner breath away.
One sweltering late summer’s
day, this all came convulsing out, spewing like hot lava
from within -
frothing with anger and hurt and bitterness and resentment. The fury was
unleashed. The injustice I had been feeling let itself known with an almighty
roar. I missed having
my own money, I missed my friends, I missed my
spontaneity, I missed feeling important,
I missed my soul feeling full of life,
buzzing with excited energy and endless possibilities.
The storm thundered
through the balmy afternoon until the cool early evening,
ending in a pile of
heaving shoulders and panting, gasping sobs. We spent the night apart.
The following day was one of
mourning, for the both of us. It felt like the end.
We had been, in one moment,
best friends, giggling, sharing, dreaming – now, we were strangers who followed
a daily routine, digging themselves deeper into the dark, musty rut.
Divorce was thrown back and
forth, becoming the trump card of threats, until one day
He and I took a leap
of faith in each other, bound by the love for Baby, and found our saving grace: Relate Counselling.
The hour we spent with our
Relate counsellor was the safest I had felt in a long time.
My shoulders
dropped and my face lost its pinched look. She mediated our conversations
so
that the end result was that we could both confidently lay bare our souls
without getting defensive and flouncing out as had previously happened when we
had attempted drunken self-counsel.
"The hour we spent with
our Relate counsellor was the safest I had felt in a long time."
She prompted with questions
and acknowledged when each of us made valid points or contributions. It felt
wonderful to have someone acknowledge that we were going through a rough patch
and validated our thoughts and that it was so, utterly, completely normal.
Our arguments were normal and
the topics of arguments were normal.
My feelings of inadequateness and anxiety
were normal. His feelings of regret and financial burdens were normal. Our
fears and judgement were normal. Becoming a military wife does essentially mean
losing a bit of yourself, because your life centres around your husband, his
work and his priorities. NORMAL. She reminded us that it was Thursday, not
Doomsday!
What wasn’t normal was the
lack of communication. Talk, people!
Neither of us knew what the
other felt, which is strange when you trust that person enough
to take their
name and create a new life with them, but out of fear of upsetting the boat
you
cannot have a chat about how you feel … or don’t feel?!
"Not only did I feel as
if I could see my best friend again, but we also realised that we had to stop
blaming each other for the current state of our relationship."
That damp Thursday evening
walking away from the therapist’s office, we turned a corner,
quite literally,
into the closest pub for a nerve settling vino blanco. But figuratively too -
not only did I feel as if I could see my best friend again, but we also
realised that we had to stop blaming
each other for the current state of our
relationship
and more importantly I had to stop blaming Him for my
unhappiness.
As much as the adjustment to
becoming a military wife has been - and will continue to be – epic,
it has also
dawned on me that I’ve been gifted the freedom and security to become whomever
I want. Life is a long, luscious, exciting journey and you don’t have to fulfil
all of your dreams immediately.
It is a relief when you finally realise that. The
anxiety in your soul dissipates.
For now, I’m working on being
content with the fact that for the next few years
I want to immerse myself in
our Baby’s exploration of this wonderful world and fill our existence
with
adventures and stories and bubbles in the bath and nourishing our minds and
bodies
with good news and good food. And most importantly, so much
laughter.
http://www.relate.org.uk/blog/2015/4/27/divorce-was-thrown-back-and-forth-becoming-trump-card-threats-how-relate-saved-my-military-marriage
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