Boot scraper outside Soham Church UK.
13 Things to Remember If You Love A
Person With Anxiety
Jake McSpirit
Anxiety is
tough, isn’t it? Not just for the people that have it,
but for you
– the people that stick with them – while they’re going through it.
It’s
emotionally taxing on both ends, it’s physically demanding at times,
and of
course mentally demanding most of the time.
Plans have
to be changed to accommodate the anxiety. Situations have to be avoided at
times. Planning has to be just that bit more thorough. Emotional needs can
change daily.
It’s a lot
to work through, and it can be hard to get in their head to understand on top
of that.
It’s
understandably confusing at times, so consider this your cheat sheet.
13 things
for you to remember when loving someone with anxiety.
1. They are more than just their
anxiety
No one likes
to be defined by one attribute of themselves.
If you truly
want to be supportive of someone with anxiety, remind them that you appreciate
the
individual behind the anxiety. Recognise that they are more than just their
anxiety.
It sounds
like it would be common sense to do so, we don’t go around seeing people
by one
solitary attribute in most cases, but people have a tendency to become
blind-sighted
by mental
health issues. They are still a human being with all the complexities
that
everyone else has. Please, remember that.
2. They can get tired easily
Anxiety is exhausting.
It seems
like the only people that understand how tiring it really can be
is people
with anxiety themselves. Anxiety causes people to live in hyper-tense states.
They are
always on alert, their mind is very rarely settled,
and their
body is always ready to fight or flight. With the hypertension comes fatigue.
Situations
that people without anxiety can just breeze through
are more tiring for those
with anxiety.
Ever had a
stressful work week, where every day you woke up thinking
“wow, I
really hope I get a break soon”? That’s an anxious person’s every day, and it’s
tiring. Remember that next time you’re pushing someone with anxiety to be more
‘productive.’
3. They can get overwhelmed easily
Tying into
the previously noted hyper-tense state, they’re also overwhelmed easily because
of it. They’re aware of everything going on around them. Every noise, every action, every smell,
every light, every person, every object. For someone existing in such a
hyper-alert state
a situation
that doesn’t seem that overwhelming
(e.g. the thought of more than a handful of
people talking in a room) can cause their head to spin.
When trying
to encourage someone with anxiety to go somewhere,
just keep in
mind that the stimuli you enjoy can just as easily be overwhelming for them.
Try not to
lock them into the situation.
Ensure they
know they can leave and are capable of doing so at any point.
4. They are well aware their
anxiety is often irrational
Being aware
of the irrationality does not stop the thoughts from racing.
It does not
stop the thinking of hundreds of different worst-case scenarios.
If it was as
easy as saying “okay, that’s irrational – no point worrying about it,”
the majority
of those living with anxiety would not have problems with it anymore.
One of the
worst things about anxiety is how aware of the irrationality they can be.
Pointing out
that it’s irrational doesn’t help – they already know this.
What they
need is compassion, understanding, and support – very rarely do they need
advice
on how
irrational and pointless their anxiety it (because that’s not even advice.)
5. They can communicate how they
feel (you just have to actually listen)
Having
anxiety does not mean that they are incapable of expressing or communicating.
(Unless
they’re panicking, in which case they likely can’t. Don’t try to get them to either!)
They still
like to talk and they still like to speak for themselves. They will tell
you how they feel.
Often when
people think someone with anxiety, or really any problem whatsoever,
can’t or
won’t communicate – it’s because they’re choosing not to,
and
it’s usually because the other party has been entirely dismissive the last
time they opened up.
So next time
when you think they’re incapable of speaking for themselves,
bite your
tongue and give them the opportunity to actually speak. Then take the time to
listen.
6. They don’t need someone constantly
asking “are you okay?” while they’re panicking
When you see
someone panicking and you know they have anxiety,
do you
really need to ask “are you okay?”
You already
know the answer. Their heart is pounding a million miles an hour,
their hands
are clamming up, their chest is tightening, their limbs are vibrating
from all the
adrenalin and their mind has just sunken into the limbic system’s ‘fight
or flight’ response. Honestly? Part of them
probably thinks they’re dying. So
instead of asking “are you okay?”
try something a little more helpful and
constructive. Good examples would be:
“Remember
your breathing”
“Remember
<insert whatever technique that has helped them before>”
“Would you
like help me to help you to somewhere quieter/safer/calmer?”
“I’m here if
you need me.” (At this point, you should leave them alone unless they ask)
“You’re
panicking, it won’t last. You’ve got past this before, you’ll get past it
again”
But the key
to all of this: If they ask you to leave them alone – leave them alone!
They are
experienced in handling their anxiety; let them get through it however they see
fit.
7. They appreciate you sticking by
them
Anxiety is
rough on everyone involved, which means you too. They understand that,
they
understand their irrationality; they understand you’ve not done some things
you would’ve
liked to because they couldn’t. They’re not oblivious to what it takes to
support them.
If there’s
one thing in common that you’ll find across the board for everyone with
anxiety,
it’s that
they over think – they over think a lot.
Part of this
over thinking always comes back to the people that have supported them, always.
Your support
doesn’t go unmissed – no matter how subtle you may think it’s been.
8. They can find it hard to let it
go
Part of
anxiety is the constant over thinking, but to really understand this
we need to
understand where the over thinking stems from.
When anyone
is faced with a traumatic incident in their life, which most people with
anxiety
have had
more than their fair share of, the memory (if not properly dealt with)
can end up
stored in part of the limbic system of the brain that the mind uses to
determine
if we are at
‘risk.’
The memory
is stored in a completely different manner and region of the brain
in comparison
to an everyday memory that gets filed away.
This causes
the brain to react differently to the memory.
The brain is
actively seeking to make links between the traumatic memory
and the
present situation it’s in (partly the cause of the hyper-tense state.)
When the
brain is caught in this cycle, letting go of things can be very difficult.
When the
brain is trained to remain in this cycle through prolonged anxiety,
letting go
of pretty much anything can be a tough task. People with anxiety cannot always
just ‘let it
go,’ their brain won’t let them, so please don’t give them a hard time about
it.
9. They can find change difficult
(even if it’s expected)
Everyone has
a comfort zone, anxiety or not. Pushing that comfort zone can be difficult
for even the
most well-adjusted person, so for people with anxiety it can be even more
challenging. This is not to be confused with the sentiment that those with
anxiety dislike change
or pushing
their comfort zones, because they will likely thrive once they’re actually in
the process
of doing so.
They can just find it a lot more difficult to bring themselves to do so.
The one
relief people with anxiety tend to get from their anxiety is when they’re
allowed to be
in their
place of comfort with nothing major changing around them. When they’re faced
with
a big change
and uprooting, it can take them a lot longer to settle back down
and establish
that zone again. Just remember to have a little more patience
and understanding
for those with anxiety. They’re trying, they really are.
10. They aren’t (always)
intentionally ignoring you
Part of
managing anxiety is controlling the inner monologue that comes with it.
Sometimes
this can be a very attention-consuming act. The strangest things can set off
obscure
thought patterns for those with anxiety. If they suddenly drift out of the
conversation,
there’s a good chance they’re over thinking something that’s just
been said
or they’re
trying to calm their thoughts down. Both take immense concentration.
They’re not
ignoring you; or not intentionally at least. They’re just trying not to have
a mental
breakdown right there in front of you. You don’t need to ask “are you okay?”
and you
especially don’t need to quiz them on what you just said.
If it’s
important, try gently bringing it back up when they seem more attentive.
Their mind
can be a war zone at times. They will drop out of conversations unexpectedly
and they
will feel bad for doing so if they realise it. Reassure them that you
understand
and ensure
they’ve fully digested any important news you may have discussed,
especially
if it involves them handling some responsibility (maybe make a note of it too!)
11. They aren’t always present
As mentioned
in the above point, they’re not always present in a conversation,
but it’s not
just conversation that can trigger this reaction. Every day events can cause
everyone
to get lost
in contemplation at some point or another, but for those with anxiety almost
everything
can serve as a contemplative trigger. They will recede into the
depths of their mind quite regularly and you’ll likely notice the vacancy on
their face. Contrary to what romantic movies suggest,
it’s not
always cute to come up and spook them while they’re lost in thought
(though
sometimes it definitely can be!)
Gently nudge
them back to reality regularly. Remind them where they are, what they’re doing
(not
literally, they’re anxious – they don’t have short term memory loss), and to
appreciate it.
They’ll
greatly appreciate you doing so.
12. They don’t always see it as a
limitation (nor should you!)
It’s okay to
be an anxious person. Sure, it can be a struggle at times, but it’s not always
a limitation. Anxiety has moulded part of the person in question and ultimately
has the potential of
bettering
them as a person. It can cause them to see the world in a very different way
and often
this can be for the best. The symptoms can suck, the over thinking can suck,
the missing
out on certain events can suck, everything in
life has the potential to suck.
Just because
it can doesn’t mean that those with anxiety choose to see it that way;
at least,
not all the time.
Remember
that part of their personality is the anxiety. Remember that part of them,
the
compilation of life experiences that they are made of, is the anxiety. It can
have some benefits too, and many people with anxiety (when getting ‘better’)
choose to see them. You should too.
13. They are awesome!
Just like
everybody else on Earth, they are awesome! (That’s why you love them, right?)
It’s pretty
easy to get focused on the doom and gloom of any issue, especially ones
involving
mental
health, but part of overcoming them is remembering the awesomeness
that came
before and will come after the issue.
Choose to
see the benefits. Choose to see the upside of the situation.
Choose to
see the awesomeness. If they can, so can you.
Cheat sheet
over, done, finished. Keep these in mind and your whole experience may be a lot
easier – then again, it may not be either. We’re humans and we’re unique.
What works
for one may not work for the other, but there is one thing that always works:
loving
compassion. If you take anything away from this article, just let it be that
everyone
– especially those struggling – deserves loving compassion, so spread
it around.
http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/13-things-remember-you-love-person-with-anxiety.html
You can TCR software and engineering manuals for spontaneous recall – or pass that exam.
I can Turbo Charge Read a novel 6-7 times
faster and remember what I’ve read.
I can TCR an instructional/academic book around 20 times faster and remember what I’ve read.
Emotions when Turbo Charged
Reading YouTube
Perhaps you’d like to check out my sister blogs:
All
aspects of regular, each-word reading and education.
Turbo
Charged Reading uses these skills significantly faster
To quote the Dr Seuss himself, “The more that you read, the more
things you will know.
The more that you learn; the more places you'll go.”
